worrying about the wrong things at the wrong time

so it’s like this

you wake up, well rested and capable of getting out of bed but decide to lie there further
thoughts bounce around–maximize rest while you can or start the day with more time
consciousness regained and it’s an hour later
should really wake up but just 10 more minutes please
why try to sleep when you’ve already slept enough
why try to sleep when the day has started hours ago
why try to sleep when there’s so much to do

what are you trying to avoid
where has your motivation gone
what do you live for
why create expectations of others when you should only create them of yourself

keep your eyes on the prize fix yourself and WAKE THE FUCK UP

uh oh it’s that time where I’m anxious of really crappy things that could happen and it makes me feel messed up

a more interesting post will follow as soon as I return from the week of H-E-double hockey sticks

So much for making a new layout during winter break! I started but then I got a new laptop so I still have a bunch of stuff to reinstall… such as Photoshop, which is going on right now.

A new quarter has started–usually we all get back into the swing of things, but this time it feels a bit different. It’s a little unsettling, and I feel restless. Maybe I’ve finally determined the cause of this: there are some things that need to shuffled around and have some maintenance done, and after a trough in this oscillation (possibly provoked by hormonal effects, which never cease to confuse and amaze those involved, including myself), it’s finally time to avoid avoidance and embrace the process. (Yes I’m taking Wave & Optics.)

So this year, I’m going to:

• Really, truly, seriously get better grades… I mean it…
• Obtain an optometry internship
• Apply to optometry school holy shit
• Do well on OATs
• Be interested in what I’m learning about
• Be a better daughter
• Expect less because less is MORE!!
• Discover more things that promote my own happiness
• Foster more meaningful existing connections with people
• Be more comfortable with myself and my image, which will be more feasible if I
• Develop better eating habits and eat more
• Exercise

A lot can be said about the latter. An incident that happened weeks ago, not to me personally, really pissed me off. I wanted to address the matter, but ultimately when I had the time, I could not skillfully nor coherently put my thoughts and feelings into words. I decided to shift the specifics in this entry, but it’s somewhat related. I don’t suggest that my attempt now will be any better, but with some inspiration, props to Sui…

Culture and media have placed wrong ideas into the minds of females–not ideas based on health and well-being, but ideas based on appearance to others, and ultimately, to one’s self. It’s no longer rumor that what we see isn’t what really is. Despite the eliminating, thinning, and accenting of physical features, somehow many of us are convinced that such fakeness is beautiful. Some go great lengths to mold themselves into this fabricated ideal image, and that’s where things become potentially detrimental.

Personally, I’ve found myself sometimes struggling with my self-image as a result. It’s impossible not to have these images of beautiful women shoved in your face. I don’t necessarily think I’m bad looking, but as the saying goes: the critic hardest to convince is yourself. Over the past a year and a half, I found myself eating less and less–not necessarily just to lose the weight I had gained, but the satisfying taste of food was disappointingly fleeting. Or maybe it was the other around where my desire to appear the way I want to affected my appetite. Needless to say, my appetite got weaker. With attempts to spend less and lack of time to prepare wholesome meals contributing to the problem, it got to the point where sometimes, I preferred that I didn’t have to eat to survive. Sometimes staying on the computer would cause me to avoid the urge to eat sooner. Deep down, I know that truly I love food and trying new cuisine, so for this thought to even cross my mind is pretty depressing.

I’ve lost 10 pounds since my the end of my first year of college. I’m about 102 now. This is about the same weight I had before coming into college, so don’t worry, I’m not at an unhealthy weight or anything (and I’m short). And no I ain’t anorexic or bulimic (both of which are very serious issues), so I assure that the problem isn’t as severe as it might seem to be. My point here is that I want to rediscover the awesomeness of food again and I need to make a greater effort to maintain a good, healthy lifestyle starting…

Now. Now off to eat some Indian food with friends :)

Although this year’s Christmas was smaller and more modest, it wasn’t any less enjoyable. However, my mother is in Vietnam for two weeks and missed Christmas with us, so she told me beforehand to facilitate the usual Christmas-y stuff. As the main and only woman of the household now (with my fists on my hips a la Superman), there comes great responsibility.

I already failed in replacing the DVDs every two days from the beginning so that my mom’s dramas could be recorded. We started a week and a half too late… I hope I can find the episodes somewhere online o_o;

At least I’ve been folding laundry! And cooking every so often (though I should’ve done that a little more, maybe).

I was also really happy to have the opportunities to spend time with my friends multiple times in a week.

I can’t believe there’s only a week of break left ;O; crap I gotta start purchasing/renting textbooks and all that shiz I want a new layout too

Note: No Lisas were nakie in the making of these photos.

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS HOW COULD ANYONE HAVE SUCH BAD TASTE IN HUMOR

I’m so angry for her that I’d write about it right now but I have to study for my final tomorrow first.